this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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