I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
