Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.