I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
