I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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