So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
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High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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