3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
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in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
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i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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