you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
