proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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