also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
he was CRYING into my vagina
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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