I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
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