I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
