Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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