Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
