yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
