So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
