there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
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