I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
