so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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