she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
