My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
What a fucking waste of an outfit
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
