I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Four minutes until I can fart!
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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