When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
