Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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