Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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