I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
