my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
