I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
