Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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