Sry I called you an 8
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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