i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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