You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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