Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
