how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
