a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
even my farts smell like vagina
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
porn star boner night. come get it.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
