is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
