i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
