I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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