Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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