oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
