I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
