I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
