Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
