my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
