you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
