do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
