I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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