Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
