dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake