Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!