First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
