I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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