We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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