So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
