Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
