i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
