and she was petting her beer can
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
