Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
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drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
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I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
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