I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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