guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
