Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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