I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
